Politics, huh? That’s like asking someone to take a bath in a swamp and come out smelling like roses! It’s wild out there. Every election feels like choosing between being stuck in traffic or having your internet go down. No one really wins—except the people selling yard signs and bumper stickers. They’re laughing all the way to the bank!

I’ve noticed that politicians are the only people who can talk for hours and not say a damn thing. They’re like, “We need to come together as a nation and work hard for the American people.” OK, cool—how? “By coming together and working hard for the American people!” It’s like a never-ending loop of motivational posters without any actual motivation.

Then you’ve got political debates. I love those! It’s like watching two toddlers argue over who gets the last cookie—except the cookie is healthcare, the economy, and world peace. One of them is like, “We’re gonna fix this country in one year!” Meanwhile, the other guy’s like, “Yeah, but your plan is just handing out Band-Aids at a gunshot wound convention.”

Speaking of debates, what’s the deal with these fact-checkers? Politicians lie so often we’ve had to make a whole job just for people to tell us when they’re full of it. That’s like needing a referee in a relationship to be like, “Actually, you did say you’d take out the trash three days ago, Carl.”

And don’t even get me started on the slogans. Every candidate has some catchy phrase like “Hope and Change” or “Make America Great Again.” I feel like my life could use a slogan. How about, “I’ll Try Harder, I Guess,” or “Make Dinner Before 9 PM—Again.”

At this point, I think the best thing to do is pick a candidate based on whose scandals are the least scandalous. Like, “Oh, this guy only stole office supplies and didn’t start a Twitter war with a foreign country? Seems like a safe bet!”

Honestly, if politics has taught me anything, it’s that we should all aspire to be politicians. Think about it: you get to make promises you don’t intend to keep, get paid a lot of money, and the only job requirement is a smile that looks trustworthy for 10 seconds. I’ve been faking it at jobs for years—I’d fit right in!

So next election, just remember: don’t vote for the candidate who says they’ll solve all your problems—vote for the one who seems like they’d help you move a couch. At least then, you’ll get something useful out of the deal.

Alright, let’s dive into the economy. The economy is like that one friend who’s always “about to get their life together” but never quite does. You check in every six months, and it’s still the same story. “Oh, it’s picking up soon, just you wait! Things are about to turn around!” Yeah, sure, like me saying I’m about to start going to the gym next week. We’ve been “about to” fix the economy for the past 40 years—by now, it’s basically a sitcom pilot that never got picked up.

And inflation? That’s just the universe’s way of saying, “Remember when bread was $2? Well, buckle up because now it’s a luxury item.” The other day I saw a pack of eggs priced like they were vintage collectibles from the ’90s. I half expected them to come with a certificate of authenticity, like, “This egg is one of only 100 produced during the Great Free-Range Boom of 2024.”

People are out here budgeting for groceries like they’re planning a wedding. “Alright, we can afford the lettuce, but we’ll have to cut the onions. We’ll just invite them to the next paycheck.”

And have you noticed how politicians keep saying, “The economy is strong!” Yeah, for who? It’s like being at a party where the host is like, “This is the best party ever!” Meanwhile, you’re over in the corner trying to figure out how to avoid overdraft fees on your way out.

Now let’s switch gears—Israel. Israel’s like that friend in high school who always had some drama going on. You’d ask how they’re doing, and they’re like, “Oh, you know, still in a constant state of conflict with my neighbors, but I’m managing.”

But seriously, the Israel situation is so complex that even if you’ve got a Ph.D. in history, you still feel like you’re cramming for a test every time you read the news. It’s like, “OK, who’s mad at who today, and what century did that start in?”

One thing I’ve learned is that everyone has an opinion on Israel, whether they’ve read three history books or just a meme. You’ve got people on social media going, “I’ve watched one YouTube video, and now I’m an expert in Middle Eastern geopolitics!” Like, buddy, you didn’t even finish “Breaking Bad,” calm down.

The thing with Israel is that no matter what happens, someone’s always angry about it. Israel could solve world hunger tomorrow and someone would be like, “Yeah, but what about the hummus shortage?”

And can we talk about how every U.S. president has tried to fix the situation like they’re some kind of Middle East therapist? They show up all hopeful like, “Guys, I think we can work this out!” And Israel and Palestine are like two roommates who hate each other. “Oh yeah? Tell him to stop leaving missiles in the living room.”

At the end of the day, the whole situation is kind of like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube that’s on fire. You could have the best intentions, but you’re probably just going to end up with burned hands and a lot of colorful, angry pieces everywhere.

So, between the economy that’s always “on the brink of recovery” and the Middle East where peace talks are like trying to organize a group text—good luck, everyone! We’re all just out here pretending we have any idea what’s going on.

Alright, let’s get into immigration! Immigration debates are like watching people argue over who gets to sit where on a sinking ship. “No, you can’t sit here! I’ve been on this sinking ship longer than you!” Meanwhile, the captain’s up front making TikToks about how the ocean’s never been better.

And everyone’s got an opinion on immigration, right? You’ve got people yelling, “They’re taking our jobs!” But if you ask them what job they’re talking about, it’s always something like picking strawberries in 110-degree heat. “Really, Steve? I didn’t see you quitting your desk job to go harvest crops last summer.”

Also, I love how people say, “We’re a nation of immigrants!” Yeah, but the moment someone shows up looking for a better life, it’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not those immigrants! We meant the ones who came here like 200 years ago, you know, when there were no laws and it was basically ‘show up and grab some land.’”

And let’s not forget the wall idea. Remember that? A wall. Like that’s gonna stop anything. Have these people never seen a ladder? Or a tunnel? Or, I don’t know, a plane? The fact that we’re spending billions on something that can be defeated by a rope and some climbing skills is just… peak government spending.

Then there’s gun control. Ah yes, gun control—the topic that makes Thanksgiving dinners so much more interesting. I feel like the conversation around gun control is like people arguing about how to fix a leaky faucet, but half of them want to fix it with duct tape, and the other half think we should just flood the entire house. No middle ground.

One side is like, “We need more guns to protect ourselves!” and the other side is like, “We need fewer guns to protect ourselves!” And I’m over here like, “Can we start with a rule about not selling AR-15s to people who think wearing socks with sandals is a good idea?” Let’s establish some kind of baseline.

And every time there’s a new law proposed, people act like they’re about to come door-to-door and confiscate every Nerf gun, Super Soaker, and water balloon launcher you’ve got. “They’re coming for our rights!” Dude, the government can barely deliver my mail on time. You think they’re gonna organize a nationwide gun grab? Relax.

Also, the way people talk about gun safety is wild. They’re like, “It’s not the guns, it’s the people!” Alright, well, in that case, let’s just hand out swords to everyone. “It’s not the swords, it’s the people!” I’m sure that’ll end well. Can you imagine? Medieval times all over again, but with Instagram and selfies.

Meanwhile, countries like Canada are sitting up there like, “What the hell is wrong with you guys?” It’s like we’re the chaotic neighbor who keeps blowing things up in their backyard while everyone else in the neighborhood is just trying to enjoy a quiet barbecue.

At the end of the day, immigration and gun control debates are like two sitcoms that never get canceled. The storylines don’t change, but the characters get angrier and louder with every episode. And just like sitcoms, the only thing we can count on is that nothing’s getting solved by the end of the season. So sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the reruns!